For a person that is not engaged I spend a lot of time at weddings, after all my job is to marry people. Most of the time I get to float around the fringes of the wedding industrial complex. I don't have to deal with rude venue concierges, florists, wedding planners- I get to meet a great couple at the Manhattan side of the Brooklyn Bridge and walk with them to the center where we promptly get them married. When I DO see and meet other wedding vendors it's usually at events like Toasted BK, where exactly ALL of the vendors were smiling, happy and friendlier than you can even imagine. So when I come up against the traditional wedding venue, older vendor set and they are unsmiling, grumpy and rude- I am shocked and appalled. For a number of reasons. Today I ventured to a number of venues to drop off business cards and make introductions. I then got a call from a man who runs wedding expos. And I capped it off with a trip to the Bridal Salon to try on dresses for Melanie's wedding. A lot of wedding related stuff for a non-engaged person.

• I am a future bride, as far as they know I am a current bride. So when I walk into a venue or a bridal salon LOOK UP. SAY HELLO. IN SOME WAY RECOGNIZE I AM A HUMAN. WITH A CREDIT CARD. I went into two places today where the women were on the phone when I walked in- that is beyond okay- what's NOT okay is not even smiling in my direction. Put up one finger to show me you see me there. Give me the "go shop" hand wave. Literally anything. Instead both women acted like they didn't see me. In a third place the man was with a customer and flat out ignored me. I thought I had entered the wrong way and was interrupting. Well done, you made a potential client feel foolish and embarrassed. Might I add all this happened before any of them knew that I am not a bride and was not about to drop anywhere between two and twenty thousand dollars at their business. I told the woman at Crest Hollow Country Club (so lovely, her and the space) that all the difficult people were making it really, really easy for me to edit out places for when I am compiling my own lists. Thanks, haters!
• Planning a wedding is really stressful. I know from every angle. Know what doesn't help stress? Dealing with miserable people. Will it alleviate all your agita to deal with happy, smiling vendors? No- but it will make the whole planning process a little nicer, a little brighter. Listen, I know we vendors do this all the time- bride's anxieties can seem silly and dull to us. I get it, I am one of you [vendors]. But hopefully this is the bride or grooms only wedding. So would it hurt you to smile and act like you're actually excited for them? Who cares if you don't know them or they don't hire you? They're excited, it doesn't cost you anything to share in that. 

• Crest Hollow looked so cozy and warm on this yucky rainy day!

So, I'm pretty sure that the reason sisters exist in the world is to brag about yourself when you don't. Jenny is the first person to tell people that my students love me, that I'm a great mom, or that I survived open heart surgery. So, now it's my time to brag a little about my extremely humble little sister.

Photo from Katie Jane Photography

When Eric and I got engaged a while ago, we had had a friend in mind to officiate the wedding, but it didn't work out...Eric suggested we have Jenny officiate the wedding, since she knew us both (obviously) very well. So, we sat down with her, and came up with a beautiful ceremony and wonderful vows. We still agree that the best part of wedding planning was working with Jenny on that, and our favorite part of the wedding was the ceremony. So, when Jenny decided that she really enjoyed working on the ceremony and marrying people, we were all for her turning her passion into a career! To be honest, I'm her number one fan: I can't think of a person who is more skilled with lovely writing, sensitive to people's emotions, understands crazy families, is extremely efficient (fun fact: when coming up with her company's name we toyed around with the "efficient officiant"!), and really understand the greatness of wedding ceremonies (note: that they are vastly different than weddings). When Cheerleader for Love was launched, and then she did YAY NY, and then she started performing weddings in Central Park, on the Highline, at the top of the Empire State Building at midnight...I could see how much she loved her job. How much she loved seeing the joy in people's eyes when she joined them for life. Not only does she enjoy working with her couples, but she takes great pride in the people she marries. The decision to get married is not an easy one, and she gets that...no matter the couple.

Katie Jane Photography

Katie Jane Photography

Which is why, when she told me the following story, I was quite disturbed.

See, Jenny's company is called Cheerleader for Love because she is a huge proponent of love: no matter who loves whom. Many, in fact, most, of Jenny's wedding ceremonies are between same sex couples. But, the beauty of Jenny is that she never once, not ever, has seen it that way. To her, they are just couples. Just people in love who want to get married. She's just a fan of love, and she wants people in love to be happy. That's her simple mission.

Flash forward to her marrying people for over two years. She was let go from her nursery school position and decided it was THE TIME to really launch her company into a full-time life career. She invested money and time into marketing (you can see her at A Practical Wedding and Offbeat Bride), and decided to take a stab at The Knot...they promised their big numbers, their high traffic, their vendor pages...woo hoo. Except it wasn't all woo hoo: their website is incredibly difficult to navigate (I couldn't find her when I went to look for her), and even with their high traffic...she got one inquiry for a wedding. ONE. Now, let's be clear, it isn't for lack of weddings (she's been doing a ton!), but it's a really poorly mapped out design on their site. Anyway, after you pay The Knot a ton of money for ad space which is hard to find, apparently they call you to check in after a few months. Jenny told them that she had only gotten one wedding inquiry from their site, so the woman at The Knot said she would take a look at Jenny's page to check her stats. Well, apparently, it's not only difficult for the common person to find vendors on their site, but their own people--twenty minutes later she pulls up Cheerleader for Love's ad-space page and says,

"Were you aware that the first picture on your page is of lesbians?"

Okay. Stop.

First of all, obviously she's aware--she set up her page.

Secondly: what's the problem with THAT?

Obviously, there's some issue here. Of course she's aware of the photos she chose to show, she did that for a reason--she's open to performing all weddings, regardless of the couple's sexual orientation. Why would having a lesbian couple, or a gay couple, or a straight couple, deter someone else from hiring her as an officiant? What does it matter what sexual orientation of the couple she has in her photos? A wedding ceremony is a ceremony is a ceremony. Just like love is love is love. This just got my blood boiling. Furthermore, she got an email after that conversation asking her to pay another $1000 to advertise with their special "equality" pages for gay/lesbian weddings. Uh, why can't "those weddings" have ad space on the regular, "normal," ad space? Something about this whole situation doesn't sit right with me. That comment shouldn't have been made. Period.

[EDIT: Apparently, the "paying more for the equality page" is the fact that they are promoting their new LGBT wedding magazine, and you can pay for ad space in THAT...I believe. It was sort of confusing. Just wanted to clear that up.]

Jenny is the Cheerleader for Love because she truly believes in love and the power of the wedding ceremony. She does not see the photos of her couples and thinks, "that's a lesbian couple," "that's a gay couple," "that's a straight couple." She sees her couples and thinks, "they are in love, and I am so lucky to be the one to make them married!"


But, it's a new year (almost), so I'm going to let bygones be bygones, and Jenny is not re-upping her ad space with The Knot. We don't back institutions who don't love love. Speaking of the new year, Jenny is now booking up for 2014. She already has a bunch of weddings for January (hello, she's doing one on NYE! Too cool!). In the spirit of love and holidays, take a look at her brand new website, and pass the word on to any fresh meat newly engaged couples you know. You won't find a more caring, sensitive, wise, and efficient officiant out there. In this new generation of celebrating Hanukkah & Christmas, Easter & Passover, not being able to decide on a religion, believing in your own god/goddess/the internet, and religions of SoulCycle and yoga, here's the perfect addition to your wedding: an officiant who has no agenda except to marry YOU. An officiant who has nothing to preach except your story, and an officiant who only believes in one thing: the power of love.

And, now the braggart sister steps off her soap box.

Question:My fiance was raised in a Christian household and I was raised Jewish. Religion is definitely more important to our families than it is to us, so we'd still like to include small touches from both traditions to make everyone feel included. Have you ever married a couple in this situation? Do you have any ideas about how we might pull this off in a subtle, but meaningful way?

Answer: Inter-faith weddings are one of the reasons I started studying religion at all! What a great chance to get creative. I have never married a couple who is inter-faith and interested in incorporating it into their wedding- but I know a lot of weddings where religions are blended beautifully. My cousin and her husband got married by his families Catholic priest and her families rabbi- they worked together in writing the ceremony, stood together and presided over the entire ceremony as a team effort. Beyond that, they hadn't even met before!

I'd go through some Christian wedding traditions and some Jewish wedding traditions, decide which ones you like and fit them into your ceremony. The Christian tradition of lighting a unity candle is not only a nice ritual- but also could be doubly used to honor loved ones who are not present. My personal favorite Jewish tradition is the breaking of the glass- what a great celebratory moment! After I wrote these each down and did some research I found that these two particular traditions are actually often used in interfaith ceremonies. Check out this message board with ideas on just this issue! Apparently the father walking his daughter to her partner is Christian, in Judaism both parents walk their child to the top of the aisle. Have both your parents walk you to your beloved and wham-o, traditions combined. Have readings from both the Torah (or some Kabbalist texts, got to love the mysticism!) and the New Testament.

Question: Do you have any ideas for honoring loved ones who have passed away or people who may be too sick to attend the wedding?

Answer: I have lots of ideas for incorporating loved ones and those who cannot attend.
1. Have you officiant mention them, either by name or not. That is your call. A simple statement as:

___ and ___  would like to acknowledge those loved ones who are not here with us today (their aunt/grandpa/etc). Although not physically present, they remain forever with us, both in spirit and in our hearts. 

2. Use a quote your loved one loved, aspired to, mentioned often, etc- from a song, the bible, a book, even a movie. Mention that this quote or excerpt reminds you of them, or that they often said it.

And now a reading from Lord of the Rings, which was ____'s grandpa's favorite. 

As _____'s uncle always said "If it's not a happy ending, it's not over" and this, my friends is a happy ending- ____ and ____'s search for their one is over.

3. Have a moment of silence to think of those passed (Maya, I know you'll like this one, my fellow FA-er!). Take a nod from the Quakers and have a few moments of silent reflection. I've done weddings where they have an extended moment/ a short meeting for worship- people actually got up and spoke. If you have the time and emotional stability you might be able to handle a family member standing and mentioning those who cannot be with you that day.
4. Have someone do a reading about those who are not present. Anything, a biblical reading, lyrics from a song, a poem. It may be very unconventional but if I were honoring my Poppop I'd have someone read Buffalo Bill by ee cummings.

A few..um, months ago I emailed some engaged blogger girls I know and asked them to float me some questions about their wedding ceremonies. They (Ali, Laura and Maya), all emailed me back very excitedly- and then I panicked because who was I to answer questions about wedding ceremonies? I'm not even married. And then I remembered that I asked them because, oh yeah, my first job (this being my other, other job and teaching being my other job and illustrating being my freelance job and babysitting being my summer job) is Wedding Officiant. I often see myself as a facilitator- I forget that I actually have a small wealth of knowledge on wedding ceremonies. So here's my best shot- it's not perfect, but it's honest. They might not be your answers, but they're mine. If you have a question for me, about the ceremony- feel free to email me at AskTheOfficiant@gmail.com, or use the email button on the side.

Today I'm answering questions from Ali of the Sunday Flog.

Question: How do I choose an officiant?

Answer: Choosing an officiant is a highly personal decision. First think about what you want from your ceremony- do you want a religious ceremony that is steeped in tradition? A secular ceremony that is lead by you and your fiance? No officiant at all? (In many states this is an option, in the Quaker tradition!). An officiant like myself is generally secular and open to whatever you want to work into the ceremony- you want to throw Buddhist readings in with Catholic texts? I say no problem. You want to do a little horrah instead of stomping the glass and then recite some Japanese poetry? I'll plug the iPod in. I think what it comes down to is that you need to get along with the officiant and feel like it's your wedding. I've seen officiants who try to limit the number of guests at a wedding or impose strict rules on your wedding- to me that is crazy. It is your wedding. Yours! Not mine, why would I try to say anything about it? Some people like to lead and some people like to be led, know which one of those kinds of people you are and move forth accordingly. Usually an officiant from more religious tradition (often older, more conservative) will have a way weddings are done. Some people love this, they want a wedding which is timeless, of the ages- reaches back in time to your ancestors and connects you to a truth from then. Some people want to re-create what a wedding means, a secular officiant or celebrant is usually a better bet (though Unitarian Ministers are known to be pretty flexible, and you can probably worth with a reform Rabbi pretty comfortably.) Some people want in between- in which case I recommend a cleric from a more liberal religious institution. Or a secular officiant.

Question: Does the officiant stay for the reception?